Monday, March 2, 2009

Worry-wart Mama

Dear Aiwyn,
I've decided that I will worry about you forever. I'm sure your Pops is glad that some of my worry has shifted off him and on to you, but I still always worry about your Pops too. His bike riding addiction is not a good thing for a worrying wife.

Well, I already told you about the stress of your first two weeks of life because we had to see the doctor three times and go to the hospital three times to check your bilirubin levels. I thought I would also tell you about the last doctor's visit we had (still in those first two weeks). The doctor noticed that you had a sacral dimple that "looked a little funny." Honestly, I hadn't paid much attention to it. I thought it was just part of your "crack." The doctor thought it would be best to have an ultrasound done while you are young to make sure that your tail bone was properly formed. I asked what would it matter- you can't put your butt in a cast for a tail bone. She said it would give us better insight into things. Like if you were a constapated child we could say it was because of your tail bone or it wasn't. However, if you are a constipated child, it will be because you are my child. I'm sorry. Last Friday we made a visit to Egleston Children's Hospital. Your Pops was working and I had to take you by myself. Also, we choose not to tell anyone we were having this test done. We didn't want to have people asking how the appointment went. We thought it would be better to tell people when we actually knew something.

Once we get into the ultrasound room, I ask the technician if I should go ahead and change your diaper. He told me to go ahead if you needed it, but didn't seem concerned. I said, "Well, you are doing an ultrasound of her butt." Then he told me that actually an abnormal dimple may be an indication of something wrong with another part of the spine or the kidneys and he would be looking at the entire spine and kidneys. Talk about worry. I ask if I would get the results today or if they need to be typed up and sent to my pediatrician who will inform me of the results. You guessed it: typed up and pediatrician has to tell me. But then he said if there's something wrong, they will call my pediatrician right away to see if she wants to order more tests while we are there at the hospital. So, no news is good news. As he is doing the ultrasound he is trying to mark the spot where your spine tapers off so if the ultrasound is abnormal then it will be marked for an x-ray. You were laying on a towel on your belly during the procedure and I held the pacifier in your mouth (only about the third time you have ever been given the pacifier). At one point you got a little fussy and wiggly and I cupped my hand for you to rest your head in and you calmed back down as I talked to you. They really wanted me to be feeding you a bottle during the procedure, but I was planning on nursing you after. You had to have not had anything two hours before our appointment.

Once the ultrasound was over, I was told to wait in the room while the radiologist looked at the ultrasound to determine if an x-ray was needed. I was so nervous. I was thinking "What if something is wrong with her spine and she has to have surgeries?" I was trying to hold myself together as I waited. I didn't want to be a complete crying mess when they came back. Only a few tears couldn't be held back. They returned and told me we could go home, no x-ray needed. I then fed you before we left. Your doctor called on Saturday to tell us that everything came back normal. Whew!

You are our perfect child even with your "funny looking" dimple. I worry because I always want the best for you and I always want you to be healthy and safe. I will worry today, tomorrow, and even when you are a mother yourself. I worry because I love you.


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