Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Let's start at the beginning

I've finally been broken.... to start a blog (you can thank Megan & Susan). My decision to blog was to preserve all the special moments in our family life. 'A' is our unborn daughter, to arrive sometime in February. So, let's start at the beginning....

Dear 'A',
I am 30 weeks pregnant with you as I write this first official letter to you. Seems a little late to begin writing, but I'll get to that. I want to start by letting you know how much you are loved and wanted even before you were conceived.

Your father and I always knew we wanted children and we began preparing before we even started "trying." Trying took longer than we expected. Waiting for that positive pregnancy test was difficult. We finally got a positive pregnancy test in May 2007 and our due date was February 19, 2008. But in July 2007, we found out we had miscarried. We never got to see Sam's heartbeat and my body did not want to let go of Sam. So, one week after my 29th birthday I had my first surgery. The D&C was traumatic. It meant the end of our first pregnancy, the death of a baby that was already loved and we envisioned as a part of our family, and the uncertainty of what was going to happen next. What did happen next was a very dark and sad time of my life. The world seemed so unfair. It seemed even more unfair when I still was not pregnant by February 19, 2008. Your father and I decided to take that day off work to spend time together and we drove up to Raven Cliffs to hike that day. I remember the day seemed very still and quiet as we hiked in the cool, crisp woods. My thoughts were full of the baby we lost and the hope that we would one day have a baby to hold. Soon after we became proactive in our fertility.

We saw a fertility specialist who diagnosed me with PCOS. I was put on some medications and monitored very closely to see when I was ovulating. Our first cycle with the specialist proved worth while. We got pregnant! Our new due date was/is February 19, 2009 (that's you!). I went back to the clinic several times to check my blood hormone levels to make sure the pregnancy was progressing. I remember asking a nurse if my levels were "where they're supposed to be." She replied, "Don't worry honey. You are VERY pregnant." At our first ultrasound we found out what she meant by "VERY pregnant".... we were pregnant with twins! We even got to see both heartbeats (something we had never seen before). Your father was over the moon thrilled. He had been teasing me all along that we were going to have twins. I was shell shocked and full of questions on how we were going to handle two newborns, but still extremely happy to finally be pregnant. We had one more appointment scheduled with the specialist. Again, we had an ultrasound and saw two heartbeats. They were able to measure the beats per minute and both of you were right on track. The doctor gave us two silver spoons to congratulate us and "graduate us" from them to our regular OB/Gyn. It all still felt like a dream as we walked out of that office. We joined a woman who worked in another office in the building as we got on the elevator to head to our car. She took a look at us (what I wouldn't give to see how she saw us at that moment) and then looked in your father's hands and saw the two pink and blue boxes (that held the silver spoons). Then she said, "Congratulations, you're having twins right?" We must have had the biggest, goofiest grins on our faces as we both said "Yeah, twins." We could hardly wait to tell someone. So as soon as we got in the car, I called Sara and your father called Robert. We waited to tell our family in person. Telling people you are pregnant is great fun, but it's even more fun to see their expression when you tell them "there's two in there."

This giddy, dream-like state lasted until our first appointment with our regular doctor. We had another ultrasound, but were told that there was only one heartbeat. The other baby stopped growing. You continued to grow. I immediately began to feel that dark cloud moving back towards me and I wasn't sure what to think or how to feel. I had just lost another baby, but I still was pregnant with you. Your father's and my goal was always to have a baby. We were still pregnant with you. I decided that I could not let that cloud overtake me and you. I could not go back to that sad, dark place. It was not a healthy place for me to be and not a healthy place for a growing baby to be. We were told the lost baby would slowly get smaller and my body would reabsorp it all.

For a long time I held my breath. Tried not to get my hopes up too high. I didn't fill in the pregnancy journals I had for fear they wouldn't be finished (like the first pregnancy). We had another scare with you. At our 20 week anatomy ultrasound we got some unexpected results. Our doctor informed us we would need to see a maternal/ fetal specialist for a more accurate ultrasound to make sure you didn't have an amniotic band floating around with you. (The risk of an amniotic band is the baby can be born with deformities where the band touches the baby.) Our regular doctor told us, they weren't sure if they saw one in the ultrasound and not to worry because she's never seen a baby with ABS. The scary thing is I knew what ABS was as soon as it came out of her mouth and I know two children with it. Your father was very confident that everything was fine and helped to reassure me when I felt unsteady as we waited for the appointment with the specialist. At the appointment we were told some great news and some surprising news. The great news was no amniotic band! What the first ultrasonographer saw was the edge of your sac pushed up against your twin's sac. The surprising news is your twin is still there, the same size as the day it stopped growing. You were sharing amniotic fluid with your twin. The specialist told us the twin is safe to still have there and should come out during your delivery.

So, now you know why it took me so long to put words down. But please don't think we ignored you until now. We read a book to you most nights (we've been slacking off lately), I talk to you all the time (especially in the car), your father talks to you when he gets home from work (and before I leave in the morning if he's awake), we painted your room about 3 months ago and have been working on your room, I rub my belly often and push back on you when you push on me, and we are almost done with our six week Hypnobirthing class sessions. I finally feel like I've exhaled (even though I still want to keep you inside me until you are full term). I feel like a little kid on Christmas eve when I think of you with all those wonderful expectant butterflies in my belly (and I'm not confusing this with your soccer ball kicks or tiny little punches). Both your father and I are giddy and excited as time gets closer to meeting you.

Mucho,
Mama

Raven Cliffs Hike (February 19, 2o08)

1 comment:

Adam, Megan, Carson Rogers said...

This was so sweet to read. I didn't know a lot of this. We are so excited to meet your baby girl.